Wrong is the New Right: An Homage to My Daughter
I was wrong.
I was afraid I might not love a third and unexpected baby as much as she deserved to be loved, but I now fear I love her too much. I now fear my other children may think I have a disproportionate amount of love for this baby. I thought I would be embarrassed to have three children under the age of four. But now I think I may be too proud and boastful of my three beautiful children. I was selfishly afraid of the physical demands that come with toting a baby while tending to two other little ones. But I now find myself selfishly not ever wanting to put this baby down and craving to hold her when I’m not. I cried long and hard when I found out I was pregnant, but I now want to cry at the idea of this baby growing older and not needing me.
“It’s a girl!” the doctor exclaimed on May 16, 2010 at 10:58PM. Huh?! How can this baby be a girl? We didn’t find out this baby’s gender and I was 99% certain this baby was a boy. And damn it I’m always right! But I was wrong and she was a girl. I assumed she would be a towhead like her brother and sister and the only question would be if she would have blue or brown eyes. But I was wrong and she was born with a full head of jet black hair. I had brought home two other babies from the hospital in the past four years and I figured it would be baby business as usual with number three, but I was wrong. This baby was different. And God help me if my other two children ever read this someday because I’ll have a lot of explaining to do! I’ve spent a great deal of time just staring at this baby trying to figure out what is so darn special and different about her. Yes, she is a cute baby, but a lot of babies are cute. My other two babies were cute, but still this one was different. She had darker hair and darker features, but that wasn’t it. I hypothesized that maybe she was mathematically more symmetrical than most, but still it seemed there was something else that was special about her.
Audrey Hope first smiled at 4 weeks and has yet to stop smiling. When she could barely hold her head up she had an amazing ability to lock eyes with anyone and just beam with happiness. In her tiny little body this baby had the ability to exude an overwhelming amount of joy. I’m calling this happiness an ability because it’s a happiness that can’t be learned. It’s a temperament, a personality, a disposition and Audrey just happened to hit the genetic jackpot. This baby loves people. Taking Audrey to the store is like shopping with a celebrity. There is no use taking Audrey with you anywhere if you’re in a hurry. People stop to see her, ask about her, and talk to her. People can’t help themselves to smile or wave back at her. We even get an occasional tear up from complete strangers! I’d like to take credit for all of this but honestly Audrey was just born with a happy and people loving temperament. Having three very different children I can tell you that you cannot teach children temperaments. Great parenting and the shaping of children only go so far and the rest is just a genetic roll of the dice! My son was born with a very sensitive temperament and thus colic to the nth degree. No amount of techniques or products we tried could make him less sensitive. But that sensitivity is what makes him the most charming and caring 4 year old today. My other daughter was born a firecracker. No amount of yoga, meditation and Zen induced parental modeling could sway this girl who has more fun and energy in her than the fourth of July. But she keeps us laughing and out of therapy (for now)! And then Audrey was the crème de la crème of baby temperaments. I’m sorry big brother and sister but she was the icing on the cake when it comes to temperaments. She’s our little bundle of serotonin. Who needs a serotonin reuptake inhibitor when you have a dose of Audrey every day!
Before Audrey was born our lives were completely full with two small children. However, in the backseat of my car, between two large car seats a tiny space existed. This space was most often filled with toys or a diaper bag or someone’s half eaten lunch. I had never imagined a third car seat could, let alone would fill that space. Audrey completed our family which we never knew was incomplete. (Side note: Radian Sunshine Kids car seats are awesome: Very heavy duty and also narrow if you are working with a small space!). Audrey was planned against and yet came into this world defying those odds. Because of that I had to believe that she would serve some great purpose or do something great in life when she grew up (e.g. find a cure for cancer or at least a fat free chocolate that tastes good, as a friend suggested). But yet again I was wrong and little did I know she would already do remarkable things in her just her first year of life. Her unexpected presence into this world humbled me beyond measure and her existence in this world unexpectedly fulfilled me. Thank you for sharing your amazing gift my sweet Audrey…Happy first birthday!
BEAUTIFUL!!