Mother Friend.
Breastfeeding. Bottlefeeding. Formula. Nipples (both plastic and flesh). Co-sleeping. Cribs. Strollers. Slings. Swaddling. Organic cotton. Baby Gap. Cloth nappies. Huggies Premium. The list goes on and on and on.
In motherhood there is no such thing as a simple decision. Every purchase has the potential to attach you to a movement, a decision can result in a stamped membership card or a fast rejection letter.
I embraced the lines in the sand that were drawn in the name of activism, even played amongst them, but recently…it’s become tiresome.
Men don’t busy themselves with the child rearing practice of their friends. They don’t assume that their best bro forever is making a decision out of ignorance- “If only he had more information…or a brochure…”. Why do we try to mother each other?
There isn’t a mother who ventures outdoors with her child who hasn’t been burned by the spicy words and singeing glances of another breeder who would rather she didn’t parent “like that’. She has statistics, books, experience- good reason to know that what you’re doing is wrong wrong wrong. I know because I’ve done it.
Sat at the park in the late afternoon with all of the other parents doing the bedtime countdown, using the swings and slides to tap the last drops of energy from our baby’s bodies. I’ve watched you. Diagnosed you, really. And your future psychopath. Where are his shoes? Put a coat on her.
Why do I care what your child is doing? Out of love? Surely not. I’m not even sure I like mini-you. Then it must be out of fear. Fear that I’m not doing it right and that my best intentions will land me in a reality show intervention where my two teenage, pregnant, crack head daughters with tracks up their arms where stickers used to be, will scratch their dirty hair and empty heads while the television host signals to the producer to cut to a commercial because I’m about to faint.
Lions and tigers and bears.
Hmm no. My girls are manifestations of the Divine who will grow up to be world-changers and I know it. So what’s the problem?
May our uteri never stopped expanding even after we gave birth and the urge to s/mother everything within reach became overwhelming. Unlike our actual children who are our responsibility, the choices of our friends are theirs to make.
Can a LaLeche-er stand next to a bottle-feeder who has no interest in nursing her newborn without cringing and asking her if she needs help?
Can we trust that if a woman wants advice, she’ll use her lips, tongue and voice to ask for it?
“But what about the BABY! Baby needs…baby wants…baby deserves…”- from a purely biological standpoint all of the excuses to impose talking points or judgment may seem valid until we consider that what makes or breaks a mother at the end of the day is whether or not she feels supported. We’re not just chemicals and blood. Our souls drink connection and spirits crave to intertwine.
What will save the world? Will it be information or intimacy? Both. It is time to lead by example rather than fearful speeches and communicate without an agenda. It’s the difference between Mahatma’s “being the change” and hammering it in forcefully.
We can evolve as a sex. We can dissolve tension, melt haughtiness and form the refined shimmery matter that remains into a sisterhood. It can be done and it starts with me.
I LOVE this Bunmi. We as women MUST support each other. Its a journey about community, not singularity/solidarity…lol. Its enough going on in the world, divorce, murder, hate, and other things that need to be mentioned for us to continue bringing haughtiness, and pride to the table which affects the way we treat each other. I applaud you for writing this, but then again, you are making a change one blogpost/day at a time
Thanks Lita! It’s so easy to get caught up in the whole “I’m right and I’ll make you believe it” aspect of motherhood- I’ve done it over and over again without realizing how hurtful and annoying it is! Thank you for the kind words. You know you’ve changed me!