In the eleven years I have known my husband he has never seen me cry. Well actually there was one time my eyes welled up for him on our first year wedding anniversary when to my elation he gave us Lakers play-off tickets. But I can’t recall a single time I’ve ever cried in front of him. I don’t mean to say that I’m insensitive or void of emotion, I’m just not much of a crier.

Although I can recall a number of times I’ve cried in front of my sewing machine alone in the wee hours of the night – usually due to both machine and user tension issues. But all in all I’m a pretty tough lady. And why would I ever have the need to cry? I’ve got my act together and life has always been exactly the way I planned it.

And then one Tuesday Fall evening it happened for the first time in almost eleven years. My husband saw me cry. I cried. I cried with every ounce of my being. I cried a never-ending stream of tears. I cried to the point of hyperventilation. I cried to the point where no words could be spoken. So what could bring this emotionally hard-as-nails woman to her knees in an instant? With a toddler at my waist, a one year old on my left hip and a positive pregnancy test in my right hand there was nothing I could do but cry. Since I wasn’t capable of speaking I handed the test packet to my husband. He pulled out the “Do Not Eat” preservative sachet in the packet with the test stick and with all seriousness he said he wasn’t sure how to read this but he assumed the test was positive. My husband’s reaction was quite different than mine. He was over the moon with excitement about having another baby 19 months after my one-year-old daughter was born who is only 21 months younger than my son.

I cried that evening and I cried the next several days. But eventually I stopped crying and did something I had never done before. I relinquished myself to the fact that there is a higher force out there far beyond my understanding and definitely far beyond my control that has a plan for me and has a plan for this child. Needless to say this pregnancy was not expected or planned for. To the contrary it was planned against. Now I’m not an expert, but isn’t birth control supposed to control birth?

I’m a control person, yes I admit it. I like to control everything and I meticulous plan for every detail in my life. Before retiring into motherhood I worked as an IT software analyst where there were problems but every problem had a solution and I satisfyingly found them. There is an order to software systems and I loved it. Even my children were meticulously planned. I got pregnant exactly when I planned to with both of my beautiful children. I even planned to have a son and then a daughter. Not sure exactly how I controlled for that, but I did. So how dare mother nature and this force beyond my control make plans for me without my consent?! Oh but she/he/it did.

Since the day I stopped crying I decided to let a little bit of my control go and put it into the good hands of this universe and to my surprise an incredible weight was lifted from me. Not literal weight of course because mother nature is packing that one me now, but rather the weight I was taking on by filling every second of my being with thoughts like: how will I fit three car-seats in my beloved HHR, will I be able to handle the inevitable chaos that must come with having 3 babies, can we ever travel again, how will we afford this, will I ever get back into my career, what are people going to think of me, my god what will the neighbors say. Unlike my last career as a software analyst I have no answers. And for the first time in my life I’m ok with that. I somehow silenced myself of all those anxieties that erupted from a lack of pre-planning. And silence never felt so comfortable. For the first time let go and let be. And right there was a gift of hopefully many to come from this baby number three. I’m calling this gift humility. And anyone who knows me knows that humility was a much-needed gift. So maybe this gift is just part of the great plan this universe has for this child.

When I told a friend I was pregnant again she said God must have big plans for this baby to beat the odds coming into this world. Maybe he or she will find a cure for cancer or create a non-fat chocolate that tastes good. And with that I agreed whole-heartedly, questioned nothing, relinquished myself, silenced myself, and opened me and baby number three to this mighty, powerful, great and all-controlling universe. I have a feeling I’ll be doing much of that five months from now. And I’m ready for it! Thank you baby number three for your unexpected yet precious gift.

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This entry was posted on Sunday, December 6th, 2009 at 8:37 pm and is filed under Moonlight Prayers, Mothering. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.